The thing you never want to do: break up

Do you ever have those days where you feel like everything that can go wrong does? I’m having one of those weeks. Actually, it’s been like this for a couple of weeks. You see, I’m at a point in my life where everything is constant. There’s nothing exciting. I’m in a rut. I’m sad. I want to get out of the college bubble that I’m trapped in. No matter how hard I try, I still find myself in the same place. Wondering. Wishing.

At the beginning of the semester I broke up with my boyfriend. Literally first day of classes. Then later that day I found out I had gotten summoned for jury duty. The icing on the cake, right? Right. Yes, this whole breakup thing sucks. I didn’t think it would hurt as much as it does. And I think I’m hurting so much more than I thought because I know he doesn’t really care all that much. Girls, find yourself a guy who isn’t afraid of his feelings. That’s what my ex was. Afraid. Being in a relationship can be scary, especially if it’s your first. In our case, it was both of our firsts. And he wasn’t ready. I respect that. I also think I had this vision of how a relationship is and I tried so hard to be the perfect girlfriend. I wasn’t clingy. We would both go out on the weekends and have fun with our friends, but then end the night together. I thought it was perfect. He made me so happy. Until he didn’t.

You see, relationships are a two way street. And let’s be honest, I’m a college girl who plays by society’s rules. If he takes awhile to respond, then I take awhile to respond. Eventually, texting and snapchatting every single day went to talking every couple of days or so. Very sporadic. Not ideal. I realized that not talking everyday wasn’t really doing anything to me. I wasn’t mad, upset, or sad that our communication wasn’t as regular and we hadn’t seen each other in awhile. It got to the point for me when our relationship felt more like a burden than anything else. And I wasn’t happy in it. I knew that I needed to end things, so I did.

I don’t regret dating him. I don’t regret the strong feelings I had for him. I don’t regret how he made me feel when he would pull me closer when we were falling asleep. I don’t regret letting him look into my eyes the way he did. I don’t regret almost loving him. I don’t regret anything. I think what they say in songs is true. “The first cut is the deepest.” That’s for damn sure. I think through all of this, it made me realize what I cherish in someone and what I want in the future. I wanted this to work out so badly that I didn’t realize all of the flaws in our relationship until it was over. But right when I acknowledged the flaws, I kept thinking back to all of the great times and how happy he made me. It’s a tough thing. You want to move on so badly but your mind and your thoughts prevent you from it. It’s unfair, really.

All I want is for him to be happy. I want him to enjoy his college experience and have fun with his friends and mess around. I want him to have what I had last year. Dating in college is a tricky thing sometimes. This is just a case where it didn’t work out. Time sucks. But it’s the only way to heal through this. Who knows how things would have turned out if we had both been ready. The months we spent together are now just a memory, but memories are supposed to stay in the past. Time to move on and not look back.

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